If you were gay
by Compound1O8O
Summary: How long it takes to drive Kyouya Ootori crazy, rated T for adult themes


A/N: Hi! I'm so so so so sorry it took so long to upload a new fanfic! My life is very hectic right now, parents got divorced, grandpa got cancer, and I'm in the hospital- which luckily gives me time to write. It's not the story some of you requested, but it's a little something inspired by the song 'If you were gay' by Avenue Q. I do not own these characters, bla bla...

It was a normal day at the Host Club. Mori-senpai was feeding his squealing little glutton a large slice of glossy blue cake, brushing the crumbs off of his cheeks from time to time, which he got praised for by the girls they were hosting. Kaoru was blushing furiously while his twin rambled about something he made up about their non-existing love life, causing the ladies to swoon and sigh. Haruhi was being a natural and chatting away with her guests for today.

Kyouya was quietly sitting in the corner with his best friend, Mr. Calculator, and the files of last month's profits.

A normal day it was, until a certain blond-haired senior waltzed into the room.

" Kyouya", Tamaki squeaked in a high-pitched voice, coming to an halt in front of his friend.

" You'll never guess what happened to me on this thing commoners call the subway this morning!"

Kyouya irritably pushed his glasses further up his nose.

" There was this fine young gentleman, smiling and making small talk", Tamaki plopped down onto the armrest of Kyouya's chair, knocking over the boy's briefcase that stood by their feet.

Hikaru and Kaoru, who overheard the little conversation abandoned their spectators for a moment.

" A dude, boss? Maybe he was flirting!" the oldest said, winking at Kaoru.

" Yeah, the boss has his feminine characteristics...It's easy to mistake him for a queer..." Kaoru whispered as an afterthought.

Kyouya gave Tamaki a bored look: " And why are you telling me this? I don't care. Better tell me what you guys want for lunch today."

" You don't have to get so defensive..." Kaoru said, a sly grin making its way over his face.

" I'm not getting defensive. I just don't care what you do in your spare time, I'm trying to work."

" But Kyouya", Tamaki whined, extending the last syllable of his name, " it's important to talk about little things with us, with your family."

" Well if you really want to through with this mommy-daddy-thing, you have to think about something. Our 'kids' need food and shelter, and these things cost money. So go back to your commoner observation and let Mommy work", Kyouya finished with a piercing glare in Tamaki's direction, making the blonde shut his trap.

" We don't want to press the matter", Hikaru began, " but if you need to tell us something, now's the time", his twin finished for him. Kyouya directed his gaze back to his papers.

" Because, maybe _if _you were gay, we'd still like you, Mommy", Tamaki exclaimed, making Mitsukuni look up from his now-empty plate.

" You know, if I was gay, I wouldn't be ashamed to tell anyone. I'd just eat pink cakes all day!"

" But you're not gay", Mori added in a deep voice.

A vein in Kyouya's forehead started throbbing. " I am trying to work here."

The boys went silent and Kyouya let out a relieved sigh before picking up his pen and starting on the page in front of him.

" _But_", Haruhi said, " if he was though, we'd all support him."

Kyouya rolled his eyes.

" Yeah, because he's very dear to us."

" And if one of us might be gay, Kyouya'd be the first to tell them it's alright!" Kaoru smiled.

" Sadly nobody here is gay", Tamaki pouted, turning back to Kyouya.

" We'd be happy to just spend time with you!"

" Yeah, who cares if you prefer licking butt cracks over vaggies", Hikaru bluntly said, making Haruhi blush.

" Hikaru, think about the ladies", Kyouya grunted out between his teeth.

" But it's _normal_", he said, " that's what gay guys do, right?"

" I am not listening to this conversation anymore."

" Oh Kyouya, it would be delightful! Then we could host ladies _and _gentlemen!" Tamaki sighed dreamily, resting his head on top of his hands by the thought of Kyouya surrounded by a cloud of fine young men.

Kyouya couldn't believe his ears.

" But only Kyouya then. Nobody should get between him and the chance to pick up a boyfriend here in the Host Club."

He started to slowly get up.

" We'd all be there to tell you it's alright, it's genetic. Nothing to do about it", Haruhi explained.

" I'm going to have lunch, you band of fools."

" I always thought I was going to see a difference between a straight person and a gay person", Honey said to Mori. " But Kyouya looks just like everybody else, right?"

Kyouya turned on his heel and turned red. " I, for the last time, am not, I repeat, am not _gay_."

" Yeah we know", Tamaki shrugged. " But if you were."

Kyouya left with a loud bang of the door.

Two minutes later, it opened up to a crack again.

" Hey, Tamaki, maybe you want to go to dinner tonight to discuss the foolish behaviour of our", he seemed to hesitate at the word, " _sons_."

" Of course, Kyouya."

" And maybe you can sleep over, it'll probably be late."

" Of course, Kyouya."

When the door closed again, Kaoru handed Hikaru fifty dollars under the table.

Okay that was short and sucked, but more smut is coming soon...Thanks for sticking with me, even though I'm not worth it.


End file.
